Friday, December 16

Skyrim: I used to be a blogger, then I took an arrow in the knee

Wow has it really been over a month since my last blog? Well I think I owe a very good explanation as to why this happened because on 11/11/11 this baby arrived at my doorstep.

Okay obviously when I'm playing this shit (and by shit I actually mean the most epic game ever), I look nothing like the above photo. I'm seriously sitting in front of the PC without any make-up in my baggy jamies, hair completely unwashed, with five slices of pizza and beer to last me for the ten hours of dragon-slaying fun. But if I post that photo I'm pretty sure I'd scare the shit out of you.

I was at first reluctant to post this blog up because its a totally different topic for my readers but then I realized that to be a good blogger, you have to be a well rounded one. So after losing around 150 hours of my precious life to this game (I'd lose more but finals and papers kept me away), I decided to make a blog post explaining why Skyrim is for everyone -- for the sexual-deviants, the kleptos, the deranged twilight fans, and yes, theres a place in Skyrim for you too. 

I really want more female gamers to play this so we can brush each other's hair and talk about our epic adventures across Skyrim -- acceptance into the Thieves' Guild, stealing copious amounts of carrots and leaks and hiding them in Solitude, joining the Companions. We can laugh about blacking out after a drinking competition and waking up to the horror that we sold someone's goat to the neighborhood giant! What fun that would be.


Do you ever have that feeling of wanting to keep everything you've ever owned? Well now you can! Almost everything in Skyrim can be picked up which means you can hoard as much shit as humanly possible. Now some people get creative with this and really go out of their way to show off their hoarding skills. Others, not so much but thats not the point. The point isn't what you have... ITS HOW MUCH YOU HAVE RIGHT? And the great thing about Skyrim is the variety of items you can hoard (namely, everything). You want a Glenmoril witch head? You got it! A hundred ruined books? Yes, please! Theres so much to hoard and so little time!


When I first started playing Skyrim, I tried to read every book... This was honestly a mistake as there are hundreds of books in this game with vivid information from how to properly pick a lock to the Falmer's history before enslavement. Maybe you are feeling like reading The Lusty Argonian Maid or maybe a Brief History of the Empire 1-4. For those who have a more keen interest in the literary arts, this is probably a heaven for you. 


For those people who are a little frisky in bed, know that you aren't alone for Haelga in Riften shares the same feelings. Though I'm not sure you can participate in Haelga's ... "fun time", you can get married! I know I know its not the same, but hey its way closer than any ass you're getting ATM right? And your NPC wife will most likely cheat on your sorry ass if you neglect her so in a way, its like settling down and getting into that relationship you always wanted but will never have.


This one is a given. You kill a bunch of forsworn, bandits, falmers, etc in the game and you don't really give a shit. But for someone to really kill an entire town in Skyrim.. It's quite devastating. You form bonds with these people, deliver their parcels from Riften to Markarth, play tag with the children. I'm convinced that you really do have to be some sort of psychopath or at least extremely intoxicated to wipe out every NPC (as they don't revive without cheats) and save.  But hey, whatever gets you off! I won't tell.


If you're the type of person who loves stealing everything in the real world -- Swiffer Wet Jets, toothbrushes, Haribo gummy bears, enemas, anything, and everything then Skyrim is for you. If the thought of a bag full of stolen Nord mead, troll fat, and wooden buckets are tantalizing for you, then you need to start playing ASAP. If you level up enough you can even pickpocket the clothes off their backs like this fellow. 


With Skyrim, everything is an art. For those withdrawn wannabe art collectors, here is a safe haven for you to go wild with artistic expression in the comfort of your own home. Feel like creating pure havoc in your house with broken pieces of wood, ruined books, and other pieces of precious art that others so hastily call junk but never could? Now you can!


So for those people who are in self denial to any of these traits or who honestly do not see themselves transforming into a werewolf, decorating their house with assorted meats, killing the entire population of Whiterun, reading every book or collecting every item, there's always the possibility of playing the game as the "normal" human being and killing dragons, ending the civil war, or even just becoming a lone hunter-gatherer and saying fuck you to the whole story line. Whatever you want to do, theres always a place for you in Skyrim. So I hope this is a convincing argument for some of you guys to start playing Skyrim and maybe that hair brushing can start sometime soon.

Until Next Time,

P.S. All photos aside from the first one are not mine and are property of their respected owners :)

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